A SEX ACCIDENT
After Sex Comments & Astrology
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
How to Change a Light bulb? & Astrology
ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?
TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.
GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.
CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.
LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.
VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.
LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?
SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--
PISCES: What light bulb?
Horoscope Sign Explanations
Aries - The Ram - Horoscope Sign Explanations
March 21 – April 19
You are insightful, creative and adaptive but don't RAM(Get it?) it down people's throats. Stop being so stubborn and plan a little. Your spontaneous side is great for good times, but bad for stuff like finishing a college degree in for years.
A quick equation for you to remember:
Spontaneous travel = AdventureYour over-achieving and ambitious nature serves you well in business, but not so much in dating. Quality over quantity. You've got a great sense of humor, you're very passionate, and a prime candidate for a beer gut. Watch the partying, my friend.
Friends, lovers, and family members love your devotion, but not your late night calls. Try to reign in that big personality from time to time, but by all means keep making fun of authority figures even if it lands you in the slammer from time to time. It's funny.
Taurus - The Bull - Horoscope Sign Explanations
April 20 – May 19
You're a bull on the outside, but a softy at heart. Practical and efficient and always being hit up for money and favors. Let some of your deadbeat friends hit their parents up for money for a change and put more money into your retirement fund!
A quick equation for you:
Sponsoring a friend for Charity Walk = GoodYour shoulders are wet with the tears of friends, and your strength and stamina can carry a heavy burden. If you just ducked out to the movies once in and awhile, and let some of those need friends phone calls go into voicemail, you'll find you'll have a lot more fun. Great teachers, big sisters/brothers (hey Bud), and philanthropists.
You are very generous with your possessions, too. Check your sister's closet and neighbor's garages if you can't find something. He or she has probably "borrowed" it. Dump your loser friends that are draining you and hang out with winning cool kids. We won't tell anybody.
Gemini - The Twins - Horoscope Sign Explanations
May 20 - June 20
When you're hot, you're hot Gemini! And when you're not, polar bears would call your heart too cold. Tarzan didn't swing as much as you do, but boy isn't life interesting around you.
Quick equation for you:
You're smiling and happy = Everyone else is happyYou drive a hard bargain, you're supportive, and that charisma gets you out of the stickiest of situations. Why not use that awesome imagination to figure out ways to not bring us all down with you on your next nosedive into depression and/or rage though, huh? Yes, make-up sex is fun, but there are other fun things, too.
You inspire and motivate others and are very affectionate. You generally get away with stuff you really shouldn't. We can't help but love you, but somedays you make us keep trying not to.
Cancer - The Crab - Horoscope Sign Explanations
June 21 – July 22
You play your cards so close to the vest, a person has to perform something like a circumcision just to take a look. You can be moody, but you hide it almost too well. Your friends and loved ones would love to get a peek at what's behind that conservative exterior.
You're a domestic god/goddess, traditional, loyal and a sympathetic friend. Like a microwave dinner, you need time to just set after being spun around. Tell everybody to back off for a minute after the bell goes ding.
Watching the History Channel for an Hour = GoodYour family, friends, co-workers, and loved ones always put you in charge of buying the group card, love your scrapbooks, and dinners at your house are always a hit. Make other people help you clean up. Yes, even if they do it wrong.
Leo - The Lion - Horoscope Sign Meaning
July 23 – August 21
Be it king of the jungle or the litter box, no job is to small for you to be the leader. Your quick decisiveness makes you a great leader even when you're leading the charge straight to hell.
You are brave, vocal about your opinions, and even right a lot of the times. You missed the Sesame Street episode where you were taught to share or perhaps you just hoarded the TV and thought the rest of us missed it.
Quick equation for you:
Courage to do the right thing = YouOccasionally bossy, but always working for the greater good the world is a better place when you're in charge--and if we forget, you'll always remind us.
Virgo - The Virgin - Horoscope Sign Explanations
August 22 – September 22
You may be a virgin, but you did some heavy kissing with the blarney stone. Your outlandish stories and convincing charm make you fun in any and all social situations.
You're great on a team --especially if it's a winning one. Yes, you give good advice, but who says we all want to take it? Less is more sometimes.
Quick Equation for You
Helping friend solving a crossword puzzle = GoodYour analytical skills and intuition makes you annoying to watch a murder mystery with, but when it comes to solving and planning, you're the shiz-net Sherlock. You friend, loved ones, and co-workers all want the seat next to you at a dinner party. Luckily you can talk loudly.
Libra - The Scales - Horoscope Sign Explanations
September 23 – October 22
You may be an introvert, but when your stealth debating skills can come out as fast as paparazzi swarms Brittany Spears.
To Do List Contains Several Errands = GoodNaturally, because of the scale thing, your deal is balance, stability, justice, harmony, etc. But if it's possible to overdose on balance goals, honey, you FOUND IT.
Scorpio - The Scorpion - Horoscope Sign Explanations
October 23 – November 21
Scorpio you are such a contradiction, well no you're not. Often misunderstood, turbulently driven, incredibly ambitious and put it all together and that spells trouble and obsession for anyone dating you or trying to get you to accept a job offer.
Quick Equation for you:
You + Taking a few minutes to mull over a menu = GoodLearn to place your bets a little sooner so the rest of the world can feel secure for a change. You can keep a secret especially when it's about your thoughts and feelings. Your calm cool exterior fools everyone and no one. You're ideally suited to be a wealthy business man or any profession as long as you're boss and making big bucks. The hippy-artist, wanderer life does not suit you.
Sagittarius - The Centaur - Horoscope Sign Explanations
November 22 – December 21
You think therefore you think the rest of us should leave you alone to think. You do your best when the odds are stacked against you. In the horse-race of life, you're a Centaur who likes come from behind in those last few legs.
You + Instant Gratification = HappyHurry up and figure out the meaning of life, so the world can tie you down already. Remember to win a race, even if you want to come from behind, you have to choose a direction. Try not to get too distracted with EVERYTHING all the time.
Capricorn - The Goat - Horoscope Sign Explanations
December 22 – January 21
Well you critical and practical goat, this is going to be a baaaaad and useless horoscope. You're highly intelligent and will undoubtedly find this entire page to be a sham. But the step-by-step nature may enjoy the following equation:
Capricorn + Other Person's problem = SolvedEverybody else gives sucky advice Capricorn so use your patience, intuition and incredible planning skills to schedule in time to dwell on problems from time to time. They pass, but each time you act like they'll be gone forever. For crying out loud, you stubborn goat, use that big brain and schedule in your depression.
Aquarius - The Water Bearer - Horoscope Sign Explanations
January 21 – February 19
What the hell is The Water Bearer? Aquarius you so got the shaft. Your unorthodox methods can get many a goal accomplished, however, sometimes those methods include sitting around a lot and kind of being lazy.
Quick Equation for You
You + Task = Done 50% the timeYou are honest, loyal and original and apparently water bearing. Use your philosophical and artistic mind to come up with a better horoscope.
Pisces - The Fish - Horoscope Sign Explanations
February 20 – March 20
You're no cold fish, just sort of luke warm-hehe. Nah, your red, hot, hot, hot. You just keep a low profile while you acquire a wide sea of knowledge.
You + A little Danger = FUNYour generous nature can be taken advantage of, but your determination and passion always guarantees whatever is lost is easily won back.
Last edited by joker123456 : 8th November 2009 at 03:24 PM.
Few funny definitions ...
School : A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance : A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse : A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce : Future tense of Marriage.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
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